My secret flaw

Friday, January 23, 2015

I am getting this post in under the wire for my one post a week resolution. I believe that I did give a disclaimer that I stink at resolutions, but one would hope I could make it until at least February before I fail. Last year I joined a book club...well sort of...I have only read 3 of the books and there's one each month. So...par for the course for me. In this book club, I have learned that I am alone in something that I do. I thought everyone does this. But I was wrong.

I am here to confess...I read the end of books. I read the end of books shortly after reading the beginning, and before I have read the middle. Apparently everyone else reads the beginning, middle, and then the end. I HAVE to find out what happens, I CAN'T wait. It could be DAYS before I finish and who can wait that long to find out who dunnit, or who dies, or if they get together? I have ALWAYS been like this, and it's not just books. I do it with movies and television shows. I don't think I told Bill this, but the series finale of Burn Notice was on while he was playing basketball. We agreed we would watch it together when he got home. However, I heard that a main character was going to die. There was no way that I could sit through the whole finale and be worried about my beloved characters. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. I would be stressed out the whole time. So, I fast-forwarded through the episode until I found out who died. Then I was able to relax and enjoy watching it with Bill. I also just did this with the series finale of White Collar. We have like 6 episodes on the DVR, but the finale was on TV the other day...just the end...and I watched it...I had to know and it was RIGHT THERE in front of me. Sometimes, when there is a movie out, that looks to be particularly suspenseful, I google the ending so that I can be prepared. Phew. This feels good to get off my chest.

The first book we read for book club, I was able to get on my Kindle. I distinctly remember telling Bill that reading on a Kindle made it much harder to skip to the end. He said he was glad because he hates that I have no willpower. I resolved to read the book in the order the author intended. A day later, I explained to him that while it's harder to skip to the end, it turns out, it's not impossible. sigh. fail. The girls in my Book Club were horrified. Fortunately they like me anyway and did not kick me out. So we can still be friends, right?

Stepping Out in Faith

Thursday, January 15, 2015

When I started this blog, 6 years ago, I wanted to deal with the stillbirth of our daughter. I had just started reading Angie Smith's blog about the loss of her baby, and Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter, Maria, had just died. I saw how healing writing out your feelings can be. My blog has been a blessing to me as I have worked out these feelings, and I am thankful for it. However, it has morphed into much more--stories about my family, stories about our friends, and stories about my joys and struggles with mommy-hood. Today, our Faith would be 11 years old. So, in honor of her birthday, I am unrolling a new look for my blog, as well as a new title "Stepping Out in Faith". It will still have the same URL because for now, that's just easier, and I like easier.

I stink at making New Year's resolutions--just ask me about the one where I was going to learn to start saying "no" to stuff...avoidance and hiding have been better, albeit less healthy, techniques I have implemented. However, this year is about being brave. I love to write, but I have been held back by fear. I am terrified of failure. I have feared that I have nothing to say, nobody will understand what I am saying, and noone will read it. But, this year, I have learned that I have a lot to say, friends have been incredibly encouraging, and the people that I love read it, so that's enough for me...for now. So, as long as God gives me words, I am going to write them. And I am going to set the a goal of writing one post per week. I know, a WHOLE post EVERY week. I am sure you're thinking, "can she really do that?" I assure you, I will fail at it. But I figured if I set the bar pretty low, I will succeed more than I will fail, so, there you go. .

So, here is to a New Year filled with Bravery (15 days late, but that's how I ALWAYS roll)!

My Samantha Doll

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

There are some things in my life that I feel are sacred and so I don't write about them. I don't want to put them out there, lest they be trampled or just not understood in the way that I want. I worry that I won't do it justice. My dad's awful heart surgery a few years ago was one of those things. My American Girl doll is also one of those things. I wanted to keep it to myself--within my immediate family, who gets it, who gets how special it was. But, I have decided I am going to try.

I have written about how I wanted a Samantha doll since I was 7 or 8 years old. I would pour over the catalogs and read about all of the extra things you could get to go with your doll. I had all of the dolls, their stories, and their accessories memorized. When I had Rori, I hoped that someday she would want an American Girl doll and maybe I would get her a Samantha one. But then...they discontinued Samantha!!! I assumed that was it for me and my Samantha dream. A year ago, I got wind that she was coming back!! I was nerdily excited! I came home and told everyone--strangely, nobody's excitement level matched mine. She finally arrived in stores this October. I really wanted to get one, but Rori had enough American Girl dolls, so I knew it would be silly to get her one just because I had wanted Samantha.

On Christmas, I had one gift from my parents. I opened it and it was a doll outfit from the Target version of American Girl. My mom played it off as though she accidentally wrapped Rori's present with my name. She had my dad run out to the car to get my gift. I had a feeling...when my dad came in carrying a bag with a long wrapped box in it, I started to cry. Then, my mom, through tears of her own, said "I am sorry it's so late" and then the ugly cry started (not hers, mine). My heart was so full, I thought it would burst as I tore through the paper and saw my very own Samantha doll. My mom is not a frivolous person, she doesn't go throwing money around willy nilly, so I know how much it meant for her to be able to give me my doll, and it meant the world to me.

Unbeknownst to me, my mom had bought the doll back in October, but didn't know what she was going to do with it. She didn't know if it would be appropriate to give to me, or if I would think it was silly since I am slightly out of the American Girl target demographic. She thought about giving her to Rori, but it wouldn't have the same meaning. Then she read my blog post about my dad and I going to American Girl, and she knew she should give her to me. And this was the second greatest gift I have ever received (you know, behind Jesus ;) ).