Fear and Grace

Friday, September 19, 2014

My whole life I have struggled with fear. As a child, and honestly through most of my adulthood, I have been afraid of not fitting in, of being made fun of, of people not liking me. I care what people think.

Ever since losing our baby, Faith, my fear has turned into a sometimes crippling anxiety. I know that things don't always turn out the way we want. I know bad things happen in an instant. I know that life is incredibly fragile. Worst of all, I know that I have no control over any of it. Recently, I feel as if this burden of anxiety has lessened. The weight on my shoulders has been lifted.

I'm going to be honest. I think there are a couple of things that have led to my current state of being slightly less neurotic. I saw the doctor a month or so ago. He gave me a prescription to help my anxiety. I initially felt funny about taking it--but the fact that the anxiety was causing me to be "stress paralyzed" (please watch Moms' Night Out--you will loooove it) on a regular basis, I decided to give it a shot.

The other, and more powerful contributor to my ability to make it through the day without wanting to curl up in a ball in the corner and rock, is the gift of time. Time with Him. Jesus, The Lover of my soul. Brendan is in the Early Childhood program and they built a new building over the summer. Due to this new building, Brendan gets on the bus at 7:00 am. This was BEYOND traumatic for me. But, as always, God knew what he was doing, even if I was kicking and screaming. Now, every morning I put Brendan on the bus, and then while the other two kids are still sleeping, I have my quiet time and read my Bible. I sit in the living room, where for now the sun pours in (winter is a-comin') and start my day seeking Him. I haven't had this kind of quality time in so long, I didn't realize how much my soul was craving it. I am filled with peace, and it spills over into the rest of my day. I am much more pleasant to Rori and Liam when they get up in the morning (most days--I'm not perfect, and neither are they ;)  ). I am less stressed about things I have no control over. And honestly, I believe I no longer have a heart of fear. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin (granted I wish there was a little less of it ;) ).

I know that I am not cured of my anxiety, it is probably going to be the thorn in my side that rears its ugly head now and then, but I am thankful for this respite, no matter how long it lasts.

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."