Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'm feeling weary, just tired to the bones. I'm not entirely sure why. Recently a woman at our new church lost her baby at 7 months. This brought me back to thinking about Faith. I am feeling frustrated and defeated. I feel useless. Since I don't know this woman, I can't do anything for her besides pray and tell her friends that I know, yes it's awful, it will get easier, but it will always be a part of their lives now. I just feel like God hasn't used me or my loss in a tangible way--I can't minister to this woman or her family. When will my experience make a difference? God brings this woman just so close--but not close enough for me to be of any use.
Then this got me to thinking about spiritual gifts. I'm pretty sure that I'm supposed to have one, but I don't have a clue what it is. I've taken the inventory tests and they're fairly inconclusive--not pointing to anything specific. I feel so inadequate--and the one experience in my life that sets me apart from so many others has yet to be one that I can use to help someone else. I just want to leave some kind of a legacy--make a difference--serve the Kingdom of God. And this desire has left me weary. As the words from one of the songs on my blog says, "Lord, I'm tired, so tired from walking." and I hear the Lord say back to me, "Jaime, press on towards the goal for the prize for which God has called you heavenward in Christ Jesus." So, I will do that.


Christina said...

My first response is, "In God's Time" Jaime. He will connect you with someone that will need to hear about your story in order to know how to write theirs.
But the more I think about this, I think this could be the woman you might be able to influence.
Try to find out that woman's name or contact info and send her a note. You know exactly how she feels right now and whether she's ready or not to meet someone that has walked in the same shoes, you may be just what she needs. Maybe this is God's way of directing you to her.... you just have to take the next step.

Even though my two miscarriages were at early stages (8 and 10 weeks), you and I still share a similar loss although mine was not as real as Faith had been to you and your family. This blog is even a wonderful tribute to Faith's memory and all that the 'mommy' in you is called to be. So, don't feel like you aren't being useful. You have already been so to me, and I bet in due time you will be so to another mom.

Anonymous said...

i was also going to mention that maybe you could send her a card. that's what i did when a lady at work lost her baby at 6 months- i didn't know her, but i sent her a card. and yes, i think i should get a tip for teaching kids a new lesson- just kidding.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Christina...the Lord will use you in ways you haven't even thought of. Love MOM