Where I am at

Friday, July 25, 2008

Last night I went to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. My heart has been breaking for them since I heard the news about their sweet daughter, Maria. I am amazed at how they could go on stage and praise our Lord, just 2 months after their daughter went to be with Jesus. I so admire them and I want their faith...
I have been reading a blog by a woman named Angie that lost her precious baby girl. She found out at her 20 week ultrasound that the baby wouldn't survive and carried her for 3 months before she delivered and held her baby and said goodbye. In the midst of it all, she blogged about her love for Jesus. I so admire her, and I want her faith...
I can see such good things from the loss of their children--crazy to say, but I know that there will be so many more people in Heaven, because they have heard them tell their stories about how they praised their Savior, even in the storm. I have been thinking lately that I haven't seen any ripples from our loss of Faith. How has or will God use my story--her story? Has it made a difference in the Kingdom? I want to see it--I want to make sense of it. Why wasn't I as strong as them? If I had been praising Him during the pregnancy, even after we figured out the outcome, would I be seeing the ripples? Did I fail the trial that God gave me? I was angry with God for a long time. I had a hard time praising Him. I had trusted that He could heal Faith, but I knew that it was His choice not to. I was angry about that. Yet, He told me to name her Faith, and I did. I pray that He will use my Faith to grow my faith.
I know that I don't have the same faith as the Chapman family or Angie, but I know that He will meet me here today--in my dark hour--where I am at.

1 comment:

MOPSgirl said...


We are all so sorry for your loss. I think you are on the right road by trying to find God's message in losing Faith and finding your own. God loves you so much more than you will ever earthly, humanly know - and that's what I know for sure.

Something else I know is a story of true friendship I have felt from you that has come of your story. I've told so many people of your friendship to me. You came to my baby shower just shortly after you lost your baby Faith. Only a true friend could have done that. And it meant so much to me. I know it must have been very hard for you. I love you for it.

Thank you for your friendship, my forever friend in Christ.